“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt”
~Sylvia Plath~
My book is not even finished. And already, I’m telling myself it’s no good.
“That would never happen.”
“The plot is just too implausible.”
“No one would act like that.”
“There’s just no way that would ever happen. Ever.”
According to the counter on Microsoft Word, I’ve already spent more than 53 hours working on my new novel. And at 49,036 words, it’s already a beast of a book. Yet there are moments — more than I’d like to admit — when I’m ready to delete the whole thing. Forget the whole idea. Say, “It was just a stupid dream,” and go back to the life I was living before I got the crazy notion to create a novel. Because moving forward … it’s scary.
I’m afraid of rejection. I’m afraid it’ll never get published. I’m afraid of the criticism I’ll have to endure, regardless of the outcome. I’m afraid that more people will hate it than like it. I’m afraid that even if it does, by some miracle, get published, it won’t sell. I’m afraid that facing this failure will make it harder to sit down again and write a second book.
“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” ~ William Shakespeare
In this industry, it’s very easy to get frustrated — to get sidetracked by self-doubt. There are no guarantees that all this work will amount to anything more than a tall pile of rejection letters. But I have to remember something: That’s not why I’m doing this. I’m writing this book in the hopes of getting it published, yes, that’s true. But I’m also writing it for the sake of writing it. Because there is a story in my soul that is interesting and compelling to me — if no one else on the planet likes it, that’s just fine. I’m learning things about myself and about my characters — making connections with them as if they were real people — as I work my way through this writing process. And it is a process; I can find value in the steps of the process, regardless of what the outcome might be.
Last thing — I’ve mentioned before that I have an amazing support system, especially in my husband and our girls. This writing process is a learning experience for them, too. Just as when I was training for my last marathon, I’m the one doing the work, but I’m also showing them that I’m not afraid to put myself out there. I’m demonstrating by example that if you want to accomplish a goal, you have to put in the time. (The miles, in the example of the marathon, and the hours of writing in this particular case.) Maybe my daughters won’t ever remember that I once tried to write a book. Like I said before, maybe absolutely nothing will come of this endeavor. But then again, maybe some day when one of them is facing 40 in the mirror, they’ll flash back to this time in my life when I went out on a limb in pursuit of a dream. Maybe this foray into the professional writing world will spark something within them and give them a little nudge outside their respective comfort zones and into a world that is quite uncertain … maybe even a little scary. I can only hope that I am there to cheer them on the way they have done for me.
So I’m taking the love of my family and these inspiring quotes and pushing onward. Hello, new chapter. Goodbye, self-doubt. At least for today.
LB